You F***ing Felon

When, in his epic Outside essay, Patrick Symmes mentioned "the fiscal definition of felony, which varies by state but is typically under the thousand-dollar mark," I was curious: How much does this definition vary from state to state? How is felony theft defined in the District of Columbia, where I live? Did whoever stole my bike commit a felony in so doing?

Now Wikipedia usually comes through with precisely the list I'm looking for, be it a rundown of state nicknames or a catalog of animal collectives, but its "grand theft" article includes information about a paltry 11 states—and "needs attention from an expert in Law."   

So I did what any monomaniacal opponent of bike theft would do; I started running Google searches of the form "[insert state name here] felony theft."

Here's what I discovered:

• The value stolen property must have for its theft to constitute a felony—what I've called "felony threshold" in the table below—varies from $200 (Virginia) to $2500 (Wisconsin).
• Theft of some kinds of property qualifies as a felony regardless of actual monetary value: credit cards, firearms, and motor vehicles fall into this category in many states, but also prescription drugs (North Dakota); license plates (Ohio); cemetery decorations (Georgia); anhydrous ammonia (Idaho); and United States flags used for display, voter registration books, and original copies of court or historic documents (Missouri).
• State statutes are complicated and confusing. (Lots of states, for instance, have done away with or muddled the misdemeanor/felony distinction, favoring instead lettered classes of crimes.)

While I can't—thanks to the third bullet point above—100% vouch for the information in the table below (though I have linked to my sources so you can investigate for yourselves—inform me of any errors you find), I do know this: Whoever took my bike is a felon. I mean, between the Cannondale Trail SL 29er 4 ($800+), the Continental Race King tires ($100), the stop-on-a-dime BB7s ($160), the Lizard Skins lock-on grips, the Topeak BeamRack, the Nite Ize spoke light... Makes me mad just thinking about it.  

State	Felony threshold	State	Felony threshold
Alabama	$500	Montana	$1500
Alaska	$500	Nebraska	$1500
Arizona	$1000	Nevada	$250
Arkansas	$1000	New Hampshire	$1000
California	$950	New Jersey	$500
Colorado	$2000	New Mexico	$500
Connecticut	$2000	New York	$1000
Delaware	$1500	North Carolina	$1000
D.C.	$1000	North Dakota	$500
Florida	$300	Ohio	$1000
Georgia	500 (discretion)	Oklahoma	$500
Hawaii	$300	Oregon	$1000
Idaho	$1000	Pennsylvania	$2000
Illinois	$500	Rhode Island	$500
Indiana	not based on value	South Carolina	$2000
Iowa	$1000	South Dakota	$1000
Kansas	$1000	Tennessee	$500
Kentucky	$500	Texas	$1500
Louisiana	any crime that carries sentence of death or imprisonment	Utah	$1500
Maine	$1000? $5000?*	Vermont	$900
Maryland	$1000	Virginia	$200
Massachusetts	$250	Washington	$750
Michigan	$1000	West Virginia	$1000
Minnesota	$1000	Wisconsin	$2500
Mississippi	$500	Wyoming	$1000
Missouri	$500

*Special thanks to Jeffrey Lovit for helping to clarify the details of theft law in the Pine Tree State. It seems that the threshold there remains at $1000 for the time being.